Liv Tyler, the stunning, pointy-eared immortal Elf, shocked her many admirers today, when she announced that she has decided to raise her tiny tot in the idyllic countryside of Hobbiton, in The Shire. Ms Tyler, speaking exclusively to Utterpants from astride a magnificent white stallion—or it may have been Viggo Mortenson—told us that she had chosen a small village no one has ever heard of populated entirely by very small people with furry feet, because she wants her child to grow up far away from drugs, casual sex, and the terrible hardships of being the daughter of a famous celebrity.

A well-wisher who is not remotely connected with Liv Tyler, but who has seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy twenty-seven times, told Utterpants: "Liv really digs Hobbits and thinks The Shire is just so totally cool. She hopes that growing up amongst a bunch of laid back dudes in Hobbiton who smoke weed all day, drink beer and compose really groovy songs will give her daughter the personal freedom and moral guidance she missed during her own, troubled childhood."

Utterpants politely declined the packet of Lembas—an inedible 'Elvish' food supplement we understand is much prized by nursing mothers— Ms Tyler proffered us, and wished the immortal Queen 'bon voyage'.

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Story © 2004 Mercedes Dannenberg. Design and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk