Faria Alam shagged me senseless says FA ChiefFaria Alam shagged me senseless says sacked FA Chief

By our pundit on the touchline, Patrick O'Malley

Buttock-clenching revelations by former FA secretary Faria Alam about her affair with England’s national football coach have brought a sharp response from her other cuckolded lover, Mark Palios

Mark Palios, the FA chief executive who had to resign when the scandal broke, claims that everything the sloe-eyed beauty did to Sven Goran Eriksson, she also did to him — but for far longer. Now petulant Palios, determined to blow away the ignominy of being a sexual afterthought, is negotiating his own ‘kiss and tell’ deal with the Racing Times — or possibly Sporting Sluts.

Ms Alam's sultry lips have so far sucked up a knicker-loosening £500,000 from two national UK newspapers for the explicit details of her relationship with the Swedish love-machine and former England football coach. Fun-sized Faria (33-25-35) graphically described how she licked the Swede's impressive credentials while he slept and explained how she perfected her technique by practising on two nodding security guards, or 'sleeping dicks' as she gleefully described them.

Palios angrily dismissed Alam's claims that he failed to measure up to Eriksson in the trouser snake department. "Our eyes met over a candlelit dinner at her flat," confided the ageing Lothario. "The next thing I knew she'd ripped my trousers off, grabbed my hugely empurpled spam javelin with both hands, and slipped it into the net, with the triumphant observation that it made Sven's manhood look like a shrivelled chipolata."

The sultry strumpet told Utterpants a very different story: "Our eyes met over a limp McMuffin at Starbucks. Afterwards he drove me back to his seedy bedsit in a bloody Vauxhall Vectra. No sooner had I unzipped his filthy trousers than he shot his load into my face and fell asleep. I had to finger myself to a multiple orgasm in the taxi on the way home. I felt used — the tight bastard wouldn't even pay my cab fare."

Rival newspapers are now investigating hundreds of claims from disgruntled men who believe they were ‘pleasured’ while they slept and say it is possible Ms Alam broke into their bedrooms and performed unnatural acts upon them.
But Palios now claims that the former model was even more adventurous and shamelessly drove him to shattering climax as he cycled past her at a bus stop.
“She’s very good,” he told Utterpants as he plunged his hand into his underpants and furiously massaged his fun-sized todger. “I didn’t even see her standing there; I was pedalling past when I felt this tingling around my manhood and my knees just gave way. The next I knew I'd soiled my bloody trousers. It was all over in less than a second. She literally blew me away.”

Further newspaper revelations are expected to reveal how ‘Ferrari’ Faria:

Practised her infamous oral techniques on a giant cheque book.

Indulged in an eighteen-hour bout of self-abuse during which she stuffed wads of ten pound notes up both pipes and orgasmed 27 times.

Screamed out the names of foreign currencies during steamy sex sessions with the England squad.

Ms Alam has now proclaimed her love for Eriksson on national television, and expressed her regret at causing the crisis within England’s Football Association.
“I thought I was just relieving the tensions in the team,” she sobbed, wiping away a tear. “I really didn't expect this to blow up in my face in such a big way."

In a bizarre twist, the Middle East news agency Al Jizz, hit out at the hypocrisy of the West in a special broadcast which condemned the British press for paying £500,000 to Ms Alam for going down on eleven men, while the US Justice department is sending disgraced American squaddie Lynndie England down for eleven years for doing the same thing to 500,000 Iraqi prisoners.

We put this sticky point to Ms Alam.
"Fuck 'em," snapped the cum-hungry 'C-list' celeb, making a grab for our reporter's crotch. "You wanna see what I did to Mark?" Our reporter politely declined her offer to experience her 'remote arousal techniques' and left the cunning minx to gloat over our enormous cheque.

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Story © Patrick O'Malley Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 110804

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