Those with an eye for a back street quickie will love the newest addition to BBC One’s New Year schedule. This sexy new gameshow, Bargain Pussy, sets two teams of amateur perverts loose in a red light district with over $300 and just one hour to bag themselves three or more women. A local pimp is on hand to help them with advice on who to buy and how to haggle for that elusive bargain shag. The 'finds' are later shown at a local pub, and the team to shag the most women within the $300 budget win!

Dishy Producer, Lola Dickin-Wright (34DD-28-35), told Utterpants enthusiastically, "This is the show that challenges people to turn their lust into profit. Two teams are given the chance to rut like rabbits courtesy of the taxpayer. If this doesn't get us back on top in the ratings war, I don't know what will."
"I'm a coke-snorting celeb— get me on the Telly?" we suggested.
"No," giggled the gushing producer, "We're holding that back for the spring 2005 season, or until Angus Deayton becomes available."

The first programme of the new series will be broadcast during February, live from Amsterdam—a popular holiday destination for American celebrities like the Olsen Twins. Gay as a boat host, David Dickinson, will keep score as two teams of footballers step up to the centre circle, while commentator Jonathan Pearce joins in the fun. Experts James Braxton and Nigel Smith will guide the two teams through a series of cheap shags and additional extras.

"Does the BBC have anything lined up for the girls?" we asked Ms Dickin-Wright.
"That would be telling," cooed the twenty-seven-year-old lesbian sweetly. "But we are talking to Paris Hilton and Tara Reid about a possible US spin-off."
"Celebrity Shagathon?" we asked.
"Well, we're not sure if 'shag' will translate in America so we thought 'Fem fuckfest' might be more up their alley."
"And who will host it?"
"Kim Cattrall has expressed keen interest, but we may have to settle for someone less expensive who doesn't mind wearing cheap jewellery and looking like a washed-up slut."
"Britney Spears?"
"Perfect!" gushed Ms Dickin-Wright, picking up the telephone.

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Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Picture & design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /A100106