"I knew it was over when I saw the pictures of her with Action Man on the front page of FHM," he sobbed.
The bombshell dropped last Monday, when Barbie was photographed in the back garden of her dream holiday home with Action Man after she had stripped him down to his blue plastic pants and allegedly 'ridden him like a two-timing, cock-hungry sorority slut on crack.'

Despite the overwhelming evidence of her adultery, Ken told Utterpants he still tried to make amends.
"I told her we could work it out and everything would be OK again," he sobbed, "but when I saw she had a drink in her hand, I knew I was going to get hurt."
"Kids think that in the adverts when she sits on the sun lounger of her Dream Holiday Home with a cocktail glass, it's just fruit juice, but when we filmed most of those adverts she was too drunk to even stand," revealed the nine-inch-high-star in a broken voice. "What kids didn't see was that druken slut taking it up the ass like a two-bit hooker from the entire twenty-eight man crew every time the cameras stopped rolling. But it was when she came home that the real trouble started.

She would scream at me, saying that we were through, and slap me around before holding a magnifying glass to my face in the midday sun for five minutes. Being an inanimate doll, I was unable to move myself out of the heat, which made my face go all black and melty," wept the pint-sized closet case.
"I thought that my modeling career was over, and that the scars would never heal, but luckily a replacement doll was bought, and I sit here before you today a new man!"

And the evil Barbie's cruel torture didn't stop at facial melting. The Blonde black widow regularly scarred Ken both physically and emotionally just to amuse herself.
"Once, when she had been snorting castor sugar, I tried to talk some sense into her and get her to quit," he whined. "So she gave me to the dog who ran round the house with me in its mouth before burying me in the garden.
"After several months I began to hallucinate, and believed I was dead. It was only by chance that I was dug up again during a spring clean in the garden."
But Ken says what hurt most was the mental torture.

"Another time when she was on the rag, I accidentally put a knife in the fork drawer, so she phoned the police and told them that I was a filthy kiddie fiddler who had done all of the Bratz dolls in one night.
"I had to go through so many degrading interviews, until the police realised I was innocent, and dropped the charges."

Ken revealed exclusively to Utterpants that Barbie is not the fresh-faced, fun-sized doll she seems.
"She's been around for over fifty years, and she's had more than her micro skirt lifted, I can tell you! It may shock your readers to learn that her hair isn't even real."
But tougher times have now fallen on Ken, as the world's most famous divorcee comes to terms with his new life alone.

"I'm taking it one day at a time. She may still have the house, yacht, car, limo, stable, helicopter and sex toys, but for now I'm happy living in a tiny box underneath some Transformers and a My Little Pony with the head chewed off. Some would say it sounds harsh, but I'm content with who I am. I'll never go back — ever. I'm happy to be away from that psychotic slut.
At this point in our interview a flustered Ken dashed from the room saying: "I'll be right back, I'm just going to check my answering machine."
Ken continued to check the answering machine every five minutes to find that no one had contacted him.

Newly Divorced Ken is now available from Matel, priced £12.99, complete with greasy unkempt hair, stubble, dirty macintosh, holed sweatshirt, no socks, burst shoes, and comes equipped with a free park bench and can of Special Brew.

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Story © 2004 Barry Subchimp. Construction and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk