Satire News | News Briefs
by Keli McTaggart
A Welsh farmer fractured his penis after ogling a teenage girl milking her goats, while carrying a heavy sack of feed. Farmer Dai Jones, 52, from Llanfairdrindognog, had been moving the feed sacks to the barn when he stopped to watch sixteen-year-old Cerys Jones (no relation) hitch up her skirt, squat down on a stool and grasp the udders of a goat. Jones became over excited and dropped the sack on his erect penis, snapping vital tendons and ligaments.
Doctor Hywell Jones (no relation either) told Utterpants: "I did what I could for him, but it's a toss up whether he'll ever play the the organ again, at least in Chapel, isn't it?"
When we attempted to contact the goats, they were unavailable for comment, but their agent, John 'thomas' Jones (related by marriage), told us: "To tell the truth, boyo, they're so relieved they've not stopped celebrating since the accident, isn't it?"
Sheep from as far afield as Cardiff were heard to exhale huge sighs of relief when news of Farmer Jones' accident reached them.
|Council stings sluts
for outdoor sex
by Felicity O'Toole
Council officials in the quiet English town of Purley are using stinging nettles and thistles to stop Lesbian couples having sex in its public parks
Arthur Scuttbucket, head of the Parks and Gardens department for Purley District Council, told Utterpants that women who worship at the shrine of Sappho, regularly use the towns two public parks for sex. "I was fed up with these shameless sluts openly fornicating in broad daylight and planted the nettles and thistles to sting them into having sex at home with a bloke, once a month, with the lights out, like decent people." Unfortunately, his radical solution has stung more than the bottoms of the towns randy carpet munchers, who are furious that his prickly deterrent is injuring their cats.
Mr Scuttbucket dismissed their protests, claiming that it was simply
'an excuse to enable them to continue to involve their animals in their
|Women who have
difficulty reaching orgasm can blame it on their jeans
by Denim Sue
No, that's not a misprint.
A new report published today by the prestigious Sapphos Centre for Sexual Studies, claims that skin tight, denim jeans are to blame for the increasing numbers of women unable to reach orgasm through normal intercourse.
The report goes on to say: “Whilst other studies have attributed difficulties in the ability to achieve orgasm to cultural, religious and psychological factors, our research has shown that it is the increasing popularity of stretch jeans that is to blame. The combination of modern, man-made fabrics, such as Lycra, impermeable linings and higher gussets all contribute to damaging the delicate nerve-endings of the vagina and clitoris."
Phew! And we thought it was incompetent, tiny-todgered panty-fumblers who were to blame!
|Love God banned
from Dating websites
by Jennifer Gardner
A Marine Biologist from Deep Butte, in Texas, has been banned from 28 different internet dating agencies for sleeping with more than 800 women.
Fifty-two-year-old Don Gittes, racked up no less than 1,023 dates in under two years and ended up in bed with 920 of them. The self-styled 'Love-God,' told Utterpants that the other 103 were either Lesbians or shemales masquerading as women. Described as a 'viagra-powered sex machine' by the grateful women he dated, the unrepentant father of eight has now been 'black balled' by the Association of Internet Dating Services (AIDS), who claim that his 'prodigious performance' has made it impossible for their male customers to get a date.
Mr Gittes, who claims he has spent over $2,000 in membership fees, told us: "I'm devastated 'bout being banned. I've done nuthin' wrong. I just like spreading love around. The agencies said guys were complainin' they couldn't measure up to these women's expectations because I'd spoiled 'em. Horsesheet! All the women I dated said they were lookin' for commitment, not sex. Is it my fault I couldn't give it?"
Gittes now plans to start his own internet dating agency and has vowed to continue 'spreading love' until he's eighty-two. "The way ah figure it," he explained modestly, "There's millions of lonely women out there who need lovin' and if these jerks aint up to deliverin' I sure as hell am!"