Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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Drake, from Tennessee, in the USA, writes:
You guys keep coming up with ways to surprise me. I don’t know why I never read 'Phone Sex foils Suicide Attempt', but it’s brilliant. Not only is it funny, and a bit sexy, but also it made me feel better somehow.

At any rate, this story hit home and I thought to myself that the poor bastard had shot himself, and then I found out he was just reaching for his wallet. I laughed my ass off. What made so much of an impact was that if I were to call a suicide help line (which I wouldn’t) and got a sex line, it would work on me! It’s the distraction, the mind is so low at that point when the gun is in your mouth, you need something in your head other than bleak brain busting tragedy.

Our webmistress, Miranda Givings, replies: In your head? Don't you mean your hand, Brad? Whilst the story is fictional, I'd like to think that if we all took the time and the effort to truly understand our partners' needs and meet them, there might be fewer attempted suicides. It's a sad indictment of our society that men (and sometimes women too) should have to pay — in more ways than one — to enjoy a full and satisfying sex life.

'Bob' from New Orleans, in the USA, writes:
The state of Mississippi does not need sex toys because they are all screwing their cousins or farm animals. Actually that may amount to the same thing in some cases.

'George Bush' from the USA, writes:
All you Commiac liberal fudge-packing Democratic wife-swapping sodomites stop giving me a hard time. God wanted me to win the election, He's told me so every time we've talked, so suck it up that I'm your President and saving our oil from those camel-humping Arabiacs squatting on the land where the wells are.

'Starla' from Hordle, in the UK, writes:
Oh my gawd it like so totally cant be true im a cheerleader and i totally love it and one thing were not sluts were cheerleaders and we just cheer so they can shut up and Texas sluts are cool (me) sorry just had to let out my feelings.

Clearly, your stay in our country has not improved your writing, Starla. Perhaps you should spend less time practising your cameltoe jumps and more time mastering English?

'Andrew' from Dartford, in the UK, writes:
In your story, How to Handle Wankers, Cyndi says to the unwanted admirers: " why don't you and your friend piss off and wank in the corner like good little boys?" I was told something similar but by a girlfriend! Things were going well a couple of weeks into the pairing. We'd had a heavy petting interlude in the car, tension high had to be relieved but we had 20 minutes to drive 30 miles. She hit the gas and said so sweetly that she'd like me to wank. No other opportunity that night so I did. Wonderful! For both of us.

Next time we got together she emphasised her enjoyment of that sight: "go on—do it again," she said. Another steamy several clinches and she watched again. I was potty about her and she kept me happy like this for months, making it fun. She had 2 boyfriends who enjoyed full sex with her and kept me in reserve. When I found that out she said "It's like having a Lady in Waiting except you're a wanker." And so potty was I that I stayed with her for another year (!) until she dumped all 3 of us for another guy she got engaged to. I still miss her like mad. She was lovely but bad!

'Barbie' from Hollywood, in the USA, writes:
I would just like to say that as Ken slanders me in the press, it's only fair that the world know what a complete pussy he was. He had no penis. And when I asked, please a little oral, he said he had no tongue. If he had been a real man, without a flat moulded groin, we might have had a shot. As my self-esteem slipped in this long, loveless marriage—I was willing to try anything to feel young again. And if that meant meth and double anal—so be it. I did it—I'm not proud, but I have no regrets either. I'll find a real man who will bend my legs in ways they don't even go.

'Mollard' from Cleveland, in the USA, writes:
My God Jennifer, how can you call a vagina ugly? I'm sure most men would agree it's the epitome of femininity, a creation most beautiful and stunning. And, please don't dispose of that tattered clitoris, even if it is waving in the wind like a storm-tossed huddled mass, yearning to breath free! I have two perfectly functioning eyes and a clear chest. Bring on your genitalia that I may bow down and pay homage to what is the ultimate in biological perfection.

'Hunny' from Wokingham, in the UK, writes:
What a fantastically, funny site! I have just laughed my socks off for the last half an hour. I especially like the comments from those not understanding the words 'irony' and 'satire'—especially the ones from people who have no basic grasp of English and tlk lik dis, (wot R U sayin m8?) and those who call everyone 'wankers' and refuse to ever return to the site again. Ever. (I bet you do, you sad morons...)

'Lisa' from London writes:
I am a 29 year old women from London and I thought your Anal scourge sweeps Britain article was hilarious—utter nonsense but hilarious nonetheless. I simply adore being buggered, gives me the most intense orgasms. Different strokes for different folks I suppose but to suggest that only women with issues would be keen is a bit off.

The author, Miranda Givings, replies. I'm glad you brought up issues, darling. Whilst you may enjoy being bowled from the pavilion end, those of us who are blest with a furry front bottom slightly tighter than a worn out old welly orgasm very nicely, thank you.

Astrid, from London writes:
I was abducted by an alien by the name of Dr Spacehopper. He has a secret love boudoir on his large craft. After being given a medical I was placed in his 'pleasure machine' to see how I would react. I know this story is true because the military apparently have a file on him. According to one RAF officer I know well, he's been visiting our skies for years. But they can't catch him. So watch out girls; it could be your turn next.

We haven't the slightest idea what this reader is on about but strongly recommend she stops looking at filthy pictures like these.

'Jeff' from Phoenix, in the USA, writes:
These suggestions will keep aliens away but if you follow steps 2-9 you will be unlikely to keep step #1. Thus, there is no way to keep aliens away.

Well done, Jeff. Your FREE, life-size inflatable alien female abductee is on its way to you. Don't let mummy see it.

'Ron' from Tokoroa, South Waikato, New Zealand, writes:
George Bush slams Tony Blair had me laughing and chortling fit to bust!! We need more of this sort of comment to show up these two dreadful men for what they are. Whatever they are. You choose and everyone will shout 'Yes.' Keep up the good work.

'Jamie' from Eustace, in the USA, writes:

Needless to add, 'Jamie' is an AOL user. Presumably one with a broken caps lock key on his keyboard.

'Jord' from Telford, in the UK, writes:
Big up 2 all de chavettes n chavs in telford. ay o rude boi big up 2 madeley cort skwl luv.

Sorry? Could you repeat that in English, please?

'Sarah' from Birmingham, in the UK, writes:
jst ritin dis 2 say that all chavs ent the same u no i thinks i sad treain ppl by wot they wear! i wear joggers n trackies ect. so wot i 15 n i ent pregnant or smokin spliffs like u lot r makin chavs out like. stop rulin out chavs n do ya site on sumthin worth readin. i cnt believe u got a problem wiv chavs n u dnt bova on ppl or die there black n slit the rists for the fun of it n wear all black like goths, at least we bring colour into it. just say in our side of the story.

Sorry? Could you repeat that in English, please?

'Billyboy' from Milton Keynes, in the UK, writes:
Note to all you fucking slags out there. There is more to sex than penis size. Fucking grow up and be happy with what u get. You fucking cunts! Your site is fucking awful. Fuck off!

'Dominique' from Niagara Falls, in Canada, writes:
Size does matter because the pleasure of the penetration comes from the pressure of the penis. So the greater the pressure, the greater the pleasure!!! And for those women out there who disagree—have ya tried a really BIG one?! And to all those men in denial, sorry guys! Women lie too! It's really not how you wiggle your worm, it's how deep you can fish! And you can't go deep-sea fishing with a worm; you need real big live-bait! Besides any real woman who is in touch with her sexuality isn't lookin for a wigglin! The fact remains, the whole point in doing it is to feel it! Six inches just don't cut it guys!

'Anon' from Yukon, in the USA, writes:
You think that 6 inches is too small. Are you aware that the average female vagina is about 6 inches deep? Still too small? Maybe your PUSSIES ARE TOO BIG YOU SODDING COWS! Yeah, the vagina stretches, maybe you shouldn't use the 10 inch dildo every time you poke yourself you floppy twatted cockmonger! You live in the UK If I'm not mistaken, and the average size for men there is way less than for men here, right? In the US I think an average of 9. Now, if you want a real dick then come to the US and get some REAL dick. Besides, you bitch too much, someone like you in the UK is lucky to get any. Snobby fucking Brit hoes.

'Splitz' from London, writes:
I'm a real Cher fan and was trying to find Cher's 'sanctuary' catalogue but I found your 'Cher opens beaver sanctuary' instead. I have to admit I found it hysterically funny!

'Roger' from New York, in the USA, writes:
Please do not be angry with us. There is a grassroots movement in the USA, which I am spearheading, which will bring us back into the fold. We are sick and tired of the Bush organized crime family and our coup has been set in motion. We had originally planned on a direct petition to the UK for reinstatement, but feared that we may have been rejected. Instead, we have decided to create a border clash with Canada and threaten them with WMD's. Knowing how Canadians love democracy, hate tyrants, love freedom, blah, blah, we know that they will come across the border to fight for American democracy. They love the American people but hate our government. As soon as they cross the border we will immediately surrender and file for provincehood. Once we become Canadians I'm sure the UK will be more agreeable to letting us back into the fold.

'Andrew' from Glasgow, in the UK, writes:
Minister wages war on sick Britain. Ahh, takes me back to my days as a staff nurse in the Royal Edinburgh Infirmary when we couldn't buy new stethoscopes as the ward clerkess had ordered too many biros for the stationary cupboard that month. "...but if they collapse with a heart attack outside Tesco's they'll be left to die?"
We had a porter collapse outside sister's office after bringing the patient's meal trolley to the ward one day and when I paged the duty doctor, he said, "Sorry, don't do staff, call an ambulance." Ah, the National Health Service; can you beat it?

'Sergey' from Mountain View, California, in the USA, writes:
Loved the Google interview transcript, just thought I'd submit a correction our 'truth-analysts', erm, 'discovered'...
(ring, ring)
Sorry, hang on.
(What? We are? Since when? But we can't do that, look, I started this company to provide quality...oh I see, 4 million? Yeah, the usual account, ta.)
Sorry, forget that.
On another note, the Google pens actually write in red, blue, green and invisible ink and they record everything you write. Sometimes they'll rewrite what you wrote with product endorsements, but the shade of ink differs when they do that and we store everything you write forever, but don't worry, no one will ever read it. Just machines. Machines never lie, you know, except ours, but you wouldn't know that because we're more secretive than the CIA and spend more on carefully crafting our advertising than on actually providing...what's it called? Oh yeah, search results, that's the one.
Whoops, gotta go, China wants some more names.

'Rev N FitzSimmons' from Lesser Hampton, in the UK, writes:
Food Giant in Tits for Milk Scandal was a most compelling read. At my time of life I tend to read less and just look at the pictures. Delightful my dear, delightful—both of them... er... that is to say mother and baby. Although we don't see much of mother. But what we do see is delightful, quite enchanting. Not that I looked, obviously. I think that our Mothers Union would benefit from this piece. I shall get the verger to type it out and put it through the duplicator. Yes they need to get out more, the fresh air will do them good. It can't be healthy, cooped up like that day after day. Except for Mrs Higgins' hers see plenty of daylight by all accounts. However, we mustn't judge. I shall mention it in my sermon on Sunday.

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© 2006 / 200406
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