Short Jokes page 4

Short Jokes 4

Immoral Earnings
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Amsterdam," she replies. "I've heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies: "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year."

Grandmother knows best
A teenage girl came downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother spotted her and almost had a heart attack.
"You can't go out dressed like that!" she yelled.
"Loosen up, grandma, these are modern times," replied her granddaughter. "You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she went.

The next day the teenager came downstairs and found her grandmother sitting on the sofa with no top on and her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wanted to die. "Look, grandma," she explained patiently, "I have friends coming over. For goodness sake cover yourself up!"

The grandmother said: "Loosen up darling. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Jack and Jill
Jack had just got engaged to Jill, so his father decided to have a little heart-to-heart with his son.. "Jack," began his father, "let me tell you something. On my wedding night, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here—try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," replied Jack. "I might give that a go."
So, on his honeymoon, Jack took off his jeans and said to Jill: "Here try these on."
So she did and replied: "These are far too big; they don't fit me."
"Exactly," said Jack smugly. "I wear the trousers in this family and don't you ever forget it."

Jill glared at him, lifted up her skirt, yanked down her knickers, and angrily handed them to Jack "Here— try mine on."
So he did and said: "I can't get into your knickers."
"Exactly, snapped Jill. "And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"

Sex In The Dark
A couple had been married for twenty years and every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. But after twenty years of this his wife was a bit fed up and finally confronted him about it.

So the next night, while they were in the middle of a wild, passionate session, she switched on the lights. As she looked down she saw to her amazement that her husband was using a battery-powered vibrator on her. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent wanker!" She screamed at him, "how could you lie to me all these years? You'd better have a fucking good explanation!"

Her husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the sex toy if you explain the five kids."

Don't ask for cornflakes
One morning, a man and his wife and their four young children were having breakfast together.
"What would you like for breakfast today, Tommy?"
"I'd like some BLOODY toast and marmalade please, Mummy."
With that, his mother slapped his face and told him he could go without breakfast.
"Now what would you like, Katie?" she asked his sister.
The little girl hesitated and then said quickly: "I'll have one of those SODDING eggs Daddy's eating, please."
"You dirty little girl!" shouted their father. With that, he picked her up, pulled down her pants and smacked her bottom so hard she burst into tears.
"NOW - what would you like for breakfast, Johnny?" asked his mother.
Johhny shuffled uncomfortably in his chair, looking from his sister to his father and back again.
"I'll have some FUCKING cornflakes, please mum."
His mother was appalled and slapped him viciously across the cheek. Then his father pulled out his belt and thrashed the little boy until he was crying his eyes out.
"So what'll you have, Kevin?" shouted their mother, angrily.

"I-I don't know" he replied, shaking like a jelly, "But I'd be a CUNT to ask for cornflakes."

Geography Lesson
A London school teacher was taking the register after lunch and getting increasingly annoyed by the excuses the children were giving for being late.
"Where have you been, Billy?"
"Up Primrose Hill, Miss."
"Well sit down and don't be late again!"
Just as he sat down, another boy appeared.
"You're 10 minutes late, Jack. What's your excuse?"
"I was up Primrose Hill with Billy, Miss."
"Get out of my sight, boy!"
No sooner had he reached his desk than two more boys rushed in out of breath.
"Why are you two late?" snapped the teacher.
"We've been up Primrose Hill with Billy and Jack, Miss."
"Well get to your places and don't do it again!"

By this time the teacher was beside herself with rage and pounced on the next child who entered the class - a very pretty girl in pigtails who was so out of breath she could barely stand.
"And I suppose YOU'VE been up Primrose Hill, too, have you?"
"No Miss, I AM Primrose Hill".

MORE JOKES!

(last updated 10th March 2006)
Jokes contributed by Jennifer Gardner, Denim Sue, Felicity O'Toole, William Moore and many others too shy or sensible to be named

Comment on our jokes? Click the button to have your say