Short Jokes page 3

Short Jokes 3

Together Forever
A woman married and had thirteen children.
Her husband died.

She married again and had seven more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time she had five more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said: "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Cold Hands
An Amish woman and her sixteen-year-old daughter were riding in a buggy one cold, winters day when the daughter turned to her mother and said: "My hands are freezing cold."

"Put them between your legs," her mother replied. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did as she suggested and her hands were soon as warm as toast.

The next day the daughter was riding with a boy in his father's buggy when he said: "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied: "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did as she suggested and his hands were soon as warm as toast.

The following day the boy was again in the buggy with the girl and said: "My nose is freezing cold."
"Put it between my legs," she replied. "The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did as she suggested and his nose was soon as warm as toast.

The next day the boy was again driving with the girl and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

That afternoon the girl was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she asked her: "Have you ever heard of a penis, mom?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes, dear. Why do you ask?"
Her daughter replied: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Jewish Help
A filthy-rich Jewish girl at a posh private boarding school girl told her Catholic roommate that she was going home for Rosh Hashanah.

“Oh,” the Catholic girl said, “that’s the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?”

“No,” the Jewish girl replied. “That’s Hanukah.”

“Oh, right, sorry.” the Catholic girl said. “Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread.”

“No,” the Jewish girl replied. “That’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar.”

“I See..” the Catholic girl said. “That’s what I like about you Jews, you’re so generous to the servants.”

Southern hospitality

A small Tennessee Zoo acquired a very rare gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, a vet discovered the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla around.

Reflecting on their problem, the Zoo owner thought of Cletus Johnson, a typical American hillbilly who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Cletus, like most rednecks, was several cans short of a six-pack and would shag anything on legs. So the Zoo owner approached Cletus with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $50.00?

Cletus showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under the following four conditions:

"First," he said, "I aint gonna kiss her on tha lips."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Cletus said, "Y'all must promise never to tell no one 'bout this."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition too.

"Ah..fourth, ah mean third," Cletus said, "I want all mah offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.

And last of all Cletus said: "Y'all gotta to give me another week to come up with the fifty bucks."

The Importance of Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing,” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing!”

Essex Girl
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asks the council worker.
"Six," replies the Essex girl.
"SIX!?" exclaimed the council worker, "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY', or' WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", asked the incredulous council worker.
"That's easy," replied the Essex girl, "I just use their surnames."

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(last updated 10 March 2006)
Jokes contributed by Jennifer Gardner, Denim Sue, Felicity O'Toole, William Moore and many others too shy or sensible to be named

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