Short Jokes page 2

Short Jokes 2

Language difficulties
A bus stopped in a southern American town and two Asian men got on. They sat down and were soon in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but listened in mounting horror as one of the men said:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once more."
"You foul-mouthed pervert," hissed the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about sex in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

Panda-monium
A panda walked into a restaurant, sat down, and ordered a meal. After he'd finished, he grabbed the waitress, yanked down her panties and took her roughly from behind. The diners looked on in horror, too scared to interfere as he shot a huge load between her thighs.
As the panda stood up to go, the manager finally plucked up the courage to shout "Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going? You just fucked my waitress and didn't pay for your meal!"
The panda yelled back at the manager: "I'm a PANDA, you dipstick. Look it up!"

The manager opened a dictionary and read the following definition for panda: 'A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinctive black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

Dwarf surprise
One day the Pope went to visit the seven dwarfs as part of his world tour on comparative religions. His Holiness was just finishing his speech when Dopey raised his hand to ask a question.
"Mr Pope, are there any dwarf Nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responded the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey asked again.
"No Dopey," chuckled the Pope, "there are no dwarf Nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope, "Dopey pleaded. "Are there any dwarf Nuns anywhere?"
"No Dopey," the Pope replied sadly, "there are no dwarf Nuns anywhere in
the entire world."
No sooner had he spoken than the six remaining dwarves started chanting softly in the background: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin..."

Stiff Stuffing
Luigi Paparelli was hung like a horse. He died with an enornous erection and rigor mortis set in before it subsided. The funeral home staff tried strapping it to his body, but it pulled him up into a standing position. They tied it to his leg, but his leg sprang up in the air. The receptionist even tried having sex with him in the hope it might subside. The staff tried every trick in the embalmers book, but nothing worked.

In desperation the funeral director called Mrs Paparelli and asked her what to do.
"Cut it off and stuff it up his arse for all I care," shouted the widow down the telephone.
The undertaker wondered why he hadn't thought of that himself and told the mortician to do it.

At the funeral, the widow noticed that there was a pained expression on her dead husband's face. There was even a tear in the corner of his eye. She leaned over and whispered, "See, you bastard, I told you it fucking hurts!"

Dirty old women
Three old ladies were sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumped out in front of them and flashed them.

The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shot up quickly.

The first old lady let out a gasp and had a stroke.

When the second old lady saw the size of the man's credentials she gasped and had a stroke, too.

The third old lady didn't have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.

A Helping Hand
Two women and a man are in the back of a bus.
The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!"
Her friend says, "Just ignore him."
To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"

Red Marx
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony when the history professor asked his friend: “Have you read Marx?
“Yes," replied the Psychology professor. "I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

Sheep Dip
A Welsh Farmer walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife lying in bed, reading 'PlayGirl' and wearing her sexiest undies.

"Darling," he says, "This is the ugly, fat pig I have to screw when you're not around."
"You idiot," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," replied the Farmer. "I wasn't talking to you."
(Joke supplied by Jennifer Gardner)

Bus Boy
A little boy got on a bus and sat behind the driver and said:
"If my dad was a bull and my mum was a cow I'd be a baby bull."
The bus driver scowled and told the kid to shut up.
But the kid went on with: "If my dad was an elephant and my mum was a girl elephant I would be a baby elephant."
The bus driver started to get angry but the boy carried on with other animals until the bus driver finally yelled at him and said: "What if your dad was a fucking drunk and your mum was a prostitute?"
"That's easy," said the boy. "I would be a bus driver."
(Joke supplied by James Johnson)

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(last updated 14th March 2006)
Jokes contributed by Jennifer Gardner, Denim Sue, Felicity O'Toole, William Moore and many others too shy or sensible to be named

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