Short Funny Press Cuttings
amusing blunders from the Newspapers
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: 'Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.'
In a Japanese hotel: 'You are invited to take full advantage of the chambermaid.'
Outside a Budapest dress shop: 'Dresses for ladies street walking.'
In a Bangkok temple: 'It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.'
In a Tokyo bar: 'Special cocktails for the ladies with big nuts.'
MASSIVE SALE. Wedding Gowns from £50. Bridesmaids from only £10
while stocks last.
FOR SALE. BOWELS. Almark Sterling. Size 2m. Stamped 07. Set of four.
Little used. £55.
VERY LARGE bag of boys assorted; £10 for the lot.
Wednesday the Literary Society will meet in the Village Hall and the
soloist will sing for us 'Put Me in Your Little Bed' accompanied as
usual by the Vicar.
Sloth: The final session of the Lent course on Sloth has been postponed.
Sick gift: Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only.
Fatal error: "Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
Espied in a hotel in Colombo: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedchamber, the management suggest to patrons that the palm court be used for this purpose."
Found hanging in a bar in Bangalore: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
A high profile crack down on prostitution is in the pipeline once the Labour Party conference is over
Police sniffer dog finds crack in woman's bottom
Woman complains that doctor she was under is getting on top of her
Seven foot doctors sue hospital over staff cuts
Enraged bull attacks red-haired farmer with axe
Woman sent to prison for eight years for sex with boys
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
President Clinton places Dick In Al Gore's hands
Man struck by lightning to face battery charge
Girl scullers set record in bringing up the rear.An Elsan chemical toilet has disappeared from a hut at Corton's golf course. Lowestoft police are investigating the theft, but say they have nothing to go on.
One-legged escapee rapist still on the run.
Man assists police in rape of nurse.
For Sale: Diamond cluster gold engagement ring. ‘Forever’ engraved inside band. Only six months old.
The monthly Weight Watchers meeting will be held at 7pm in the village hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
For sale: child's stool. hardly used. Great for use in garden.
Today both south and north ends of the Church are open. The vicar will baptise children at both ends.
Meeting of the young mothers' club today. Those wishing to become young mothers please see the vicar in the vestry.
Ladies of the Church have cast off clothing and may be seen in the crypt every Tuesday evening
Still hungry for more? MORE CUTTINGS!
LAST UPDATED: 14 March 2006
Contributed by Felicty O'Toole, Keli Mctaggart, William Moore, Mercedes Dannenberg, Jennifer Gardner and a desperate team of down-and-outs too sensible to be named.
Content © 2005. Utterpants.co.uk and its writers and contributors. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED