I'm Glad I'm A Woman
by Denim Sue

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off lager, peanuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned lavvy seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old willy envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

ON A PARTY GIRL
by Denim Sue

Lovely Miranda, who found
One sure way to get around,
Goes to bed beneath this stone,
Early, sober and alone.

An avant-garde bard,named McNamitar
Had a tool of enormous diameter,
But it was not the size that brought tears to their eyes,
'Twas the rhythm, Dactylic Pentameter.

That naughty ol' Bishop of Birmingham
Buggered three maids while confirming 'em,
As they knelt seeking God, he excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.

A circus midget named Pitts
Was subject to passionate fits;
But his pleasure in life, was to suck off his wife
While he swung, by his knees, from her tits.

There was an old sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales;
From the top gallant spar, he'd piss in a jar,
Without even wetting the sails.

A pervert named Doctor Mark
Would take anything in the dark.
Be it a bull or a vole
He would proffer his hole
And twice if it started to bark!

EVEN MORE LIMERICKS!