The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
GnomeWATCH 2006Mystery Bidder may save Gnome shock

An exclusive report by Neve Milgo

In a disturbing turn of events on the morning of the second day of the auction, a mystery bidder sent a threatening message to the office of the National Satirist Party of England

In a disturbing turn of events on the morning of the second day of the auction, a mystery bidder sent a threatening message to the office of the National Satirist Party of England. The message, which was posted on the Auction site at 10.50 this morning, reads:

' We know who you are. We know your past. We can predict your future. The gnome will live. Await further communications. PS - do you know anyone who has some small size fishing rods going cheap, mine just broke. Ta.'

The bidder, who goes by the name of 'The Gnome Liberation Movement,' put in a bid of £51.00 at 10.50 today—beating yesterday's gnome hating bid of £50.00 by just one pound.

Chairman Tenji was dismissive of both the bid and the cryptic message when we called his office this morning, commenting: "This derisory offer is clearly intended to sow discord and confusion in the minds of the public. We are not taking it seriously. Frankly, I blame your bloody journalists for publishing that ridiculous story about Gnome love on Sunday. Now every teenage girl in the country will be rooting for this evil little shit. Good day!"

Despite his assurances to the contrary, Chairman Tenji is clearly rattled by this disturbing development. Whilst there is no word yet from the vigilante satirists who captured the gnome on Monday, many fear that they may now kill the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' in a fit of pique at the direction the auction has taken. Speculation is also rife that the shadowy Italian Gnome Rights movement, MALAG, whom we exposed in our special report on Sunday, may be behind this attempt to save the gnome.

A behavioural psychologist we consulted is confident that the mystery bidder is an oversexed young American woman in her late twenties with blond hair and a large collection of cats. We can't see it ourselves, but were assured that as only Americans use the word 'ta' nowadays, the bidder couldn't possibly be British.
"And the cats and the blond hair?" we asked the psychologist.
"Only a blonde animal-loving, sentimental bimbo in heat would possibly wish to save a revolting garden gnome," he replied smugly.

Well, there you have it. If the mystery bidder wins Gerald may yet escape the ten-pound hammer his captors have threatened to dash his brains out with.

This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news in Cambridge


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Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 / 040406
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition


Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00


The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
Gnomewatch 2006 Suporters
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Utterpants Gnomewatch 2006