The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
GnomeWATCH 2006Hunt for Renegade Gnome Continues

An exclusive report by Neve Milgo

Police were combing hedgerows and ditches as far afield as Watford Gap today in their hunt for missing gnome

After his narrow escape from police yesterday, the renegade gnome, —the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd'—broke cover earlier today in an attempt to steal food. The worst fears of Chairman Tenji were realised as the vicious creature terrorised a lone hen for literally minutes and may have stolen her egg. The red-hatted egg-napper then went on to raid a local fishpond where he once again narrowly escaped capture when plucky Purley resident, Mrs V Bradshaw, sat on him for ten minutes.

GnomeWATCH news crises correspondent, Oleg Vimen, was on hand and filed an interview with the traumatised chicken and the woman. Readers are warned that some of the details are harrowing and may not be suitable for the young or those of a nervous disposition. I asked Oleg what he made of this latest twist in the deepening Gnome crises.

Neve: "What do you make of this latest twist in the deepening Gnome crisis?"
Oleg: "It's very worrying, Neve. It's been two days since Gerald escaped from his captors and apart from one egg and three—or possibly four—goldfish, the renegade gnome hasn't fed in over forty-eight hours."
Neve: "Wasn't he on bread and water rations before that?"
Oleg: "He was."
Neve: "So he'll be close to exhaustion?"
Oleg: "Shagged out is how Ms Ho put it to me when I interviewed her yesterday."
Neve: "That would be the young Japanese exchange student who allegedly fondled the gnome yesterday afternoon?"
Oleg: "There's nothing 'alleged' about it, Neve. My photographer has pictures that clearly show Ms Ho sitting on the gnome's hat and—"
Neve: "—Yes, thank you, Oleg. I think we'll spare our readers the sordid details."
Oleg: Are you sure? At one point Gerald used his rod to—"
Neve: "—Yes, THANK YOU, Oleg!"

Bidders at the eBay ransom auction are said to be confused by the loss of the gnome.
Reassurance came from Chairman Tenji in an off the record remark made to journalists at the opening of a new garden centre in Cambridge: “There are plenty more of these little bastards out there. We can always round another one up. Er… that tape recorder isn’t on is it?”

In a further, worrying development, reports are coming in of sightings of gnomes as far afield as California. Whilst it is unclear at this time if these incidents are related to the terrorist activities of the extreme Gnomish sect in this country, we understand that Governor Schwarzenegger has mobilised the National Guard as a 'precautionary measure.' We were fortunate enough to speak to Ezekiel F Watley, the proprietor of The Watley Review, who had a close encounter with a gnome on Tuesday.

Ezekiel F WatleyNeve: "Mr Watley, we understand you were recently the victim of a vicious attack by a gang of desperate gnomes?"
Watley: "Just the one gnome."
Neve: "Were you badly injured?"
Watley: "He didn't actually attack me. He just stood there, glaring at me."
Neve: "A psychological attack, then? This is a worrying development. Are you receiving post-trauma Gestalt counselling? We understand it's customary in America after an ordeal like this."
Watley: Er…no. Look, he just appeared in my office. He didn't actually—"

Neve: "—You're too modest. Intimidation and psychological abuse are far worse than an actual physical assault, aren't they? Well, it just goes to show the fiendish methods these gnomes are prepared to use to win their objectives."
Watley: "I think you may be exaggerating—"
Neve: "Your bravery? Not a bit of it, Mr Watley. We are only too well aware what formidable adversaries these renegade gnomes are. You're jolly lucky to be alive. "
Watley: Well, I was a trifle concerned about my scotch—"
Neve: "Ah, the little egg-napper stole it, did he? He's probably sold it by now in exchange for potted shrimp. It's like crack cocaine to them, you know. You didn't happen to get his name, did you?"
Watley: "I beg your pardon?"
Neve: The gnome. Did you get his name? Frankly, I'd be very surprised if Gerald had managed to get as far as California on 75p but—"
Watley: "75 what?"
Neve: "Pence. It's all he had on him when he escaped."
Watley: "Er, no...he didn't actually speak to me. As I told you, he just stared at me. His eyes burned like coals; grim bottomless windows to a soul steeped in dark obsessions and then he—"
Neve: "—Attacked you without warning, yes. You poor man."
Watley: (exasperated) "Look, I think you may have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick,"
Neve: "Neve, Ezekiel. Neve Milgo."
Watley: "Er...Neve. It was all just a rather silly prank. My nephew, Ephraim was—"
Neve: "—Thank you, Mr Watley. That was Ezekiel F Watley, the proprietor of The Watley Review, who almost lost his life today when a vicious gnome launched an unprovoked attack on him in his office in California. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news, in Cambridge."


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Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 / 060406
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition


Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00

The self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' - the Gnomish Ringleader

The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
GnomeWATCH Media Packs

Throughout the auction we made Media Packs available to the Press onBuy the Press Pack on eBay — containing high resolution versions of the images we created specially for GnomeWATCH. Most were 1200 x 1600 pixies — sorry, pixels in size. If you fancy a permanent memento of the event without a copyright watermark—make us an offer by hitting the button to contact us:

Gnomemail us
The Watley Review
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
Gnomewatch 2006 Suporters
The following websites supported Utterpants GnomeWATCH 2006:
Utterpants Gnomewatch 2006