The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
GnomeWATCH 2006Gnome Hater ups the Auction Anti

An exclusive news report from our anchorwoman at the auction Neve Milgo

In a further twist in the saga of the gnome ransom, a hard-line gnome hater raised the stakes this afternoon

In a further twist in the saga of the gnome ransom, a hard-line gnome hater raised the stakes this afternoon by outbidding the Gnome Liberation Movement in the race to rescue the renegade terrorist.

Threatening appalling torment for the gnome, the bidder, who goes by the chilling name of 'gnomesis,' has promised to 'terminate the little shit with extreme force'—assuming the police can find it.

This turn of events is good news for Amnesty International (UK) but bad news for the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd'— who was last seen being fondled by an attractive young woman in Purley High Street yesterday.

GnomeWATCH News have been assured by Chief Inspector Rod Slipper, the officer leading the hunt for the escaped gnome, that the 'net is closing in on the little shit.'

I have Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England on the line.
Neve: "Chairman, this is good news?"
Tenji: "Absolutely, Neve. I have said all along that the British people would not allow this vicious terrorist to escape the hangman's—er—a fair and balanced trial by a jury of his peers. Clearly, the previous bidder is not English, despite their protestations to the contrary. This development proves that my warnings about the evils of international Gnomery have struck a chord within the National breast; a breast, moreover, which is now heaving with suppressed indignation at the temerity of those Gnomish apologists who think they can pull the wool over our eyes with their wishy-washy liberalism and sentimental yapping."
Neve: "But the gnome is still at large, Chairman. Isn't it a bit early to break out the champagne?"
Tenji: "Not at all. His recapture is as certain as my re-election as Prime Minister. The police have staked out every fishpond in the area and thrown a cordon around the town. He cannot get far. In fact, Chief Inspector Slipper has had a valuable lead this afternoon. The noose is tightening, Neve. I wish I could say more...national security...foreign powers...that kind of thing. Look, I have to run, emergency cabinet meeting at four with the Joint Chiefs of Staff."

Neve: "Er…thank you, Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England. We have just received a copy of the statement made by 'gnomesis'—the bidder who is currently leading the auction. This is what he's said:"

'The Gnome will die. The so-called GLM is a joke who couldn't liberate their own bottom with both hands in a well-lit room. Not only will the evil little shite die, he will die very slowly and painfully. We have the means to extend his slow demise over days—possibly weeks. We may even post pictures of his ugly mush, bloodshot gnomey eyes out on stalks, lips twisted into a rictus of pain, hands pleading for mercy from his heartless tormentors who will...laugh as our steel hammers finally descend on his pointy red bonce. He's history mate.'

Well, 'gnomesis' certainly doesn't mince his words. But let us not allow these shocking threats to make us feel sorry for the poor red-hatted chappie. It was this gnome that abused Snow White, masterminded the vice ring in St Neots, organised the 'hats-off' protest that crippled our motorways and has been raiding fishponds up and down the country for weeks. The sooner he is back in police custody the better. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news at the eBay gnome auction.


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Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 / 050406
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition


Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00

The self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' - the Gnomish Ringleader

The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
Gnomewatch 2006 Suporters
The following websites supported Utterpants GnomeWATCH 2006:
Utterpants Gnomewatch 2006