The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
Gnome Factions in Fierce eBay Bidding War
GnomeWATCH 2006

Our woman at the ebay GnomeWATCH auction, Neve Milgo has the latest news

The Gnome crisis moved up several gears today when a fierce bidding war erupted between the Gnome Liberation Movement (GLM) and the mysterious, gnome-hater, 'gnomesis.'

The price on the renegade gnome's head is now approaching £200.00 and could go much higher if the two warring contestants continue to outbid each other. But it remains unclear what precisely the relationship is between the GLM who are bidding to save the renegade gnome and the Gnome Liberation Front. The GLF have so far remained aloof from the auction and categorically refused to enter into negotiation with the hostage takers, though we understand that they have sent a number of inflammatory press statements to the office of Chairman Tenji.

I put this point to the leader of the National Satirist Party of England earlier today.
Neve: "Chairman Tenji, this is very confusing. GLF or GLM—what's the difference?"
Tenji: "Chief Inspector Slipper assures me they are separate arms of the same, terrorist organisation."
Neve: "I'm sorry. Could you explain?"
Tenji: "The GLF are the fanatical, military arm of the GLM. Naturally these shadowy gunmen are not going to show their hand at this auction."
Neve: "Well...that's all a bit academic, isn't it. I mean, if the photograph we've just received is genuine, Gerald could be in Switzerland by now; a country with which we have no extradition treaties. What do you say to that?"
Tenji: "Not unless the little shit has grown wings."
Neve: "I'm sorry—wings?"
Tenji: "The stolen motorcycle was found on Purley municipal golf course yesterday. Chief Inspector Slipper has it in custody—well, what's left of it."
Neve: "So you're saying the photograph of the gnome riding into Swizerland is a fake?"
Tenji: "No doubt about it. Look, the little shit left his teddy to take the heat—or in this case, the flames that incinerated the sacrificial sod. Regular Gnomish trick. Anyway, it's child's play to swop a few pixels around in Photoshop to make it look as if a gnome is being held captive in a cellar when he's actually peacefully fishing twenty miles away."
Neve: "You seem to know an awful lot about it, Chairman..."
Tenji: "Er...I read that somewhere. Look, you'll edit that out will you?"

Earlier today, GnomeWATCH news received a copy of the statement the GLF—not to be confused with the GLM who are bidding to save the gnome—sent to Chairman Tenji, together with his reply.

STATEMENT FROM THE Gnome Liberation Front
'An entire race should not be judged by the actions of a lone "renegade." However, it is of no great surprise to us here at the GLF that after generations of enslavement and forced agricultural labour, some of these noble creatures would be fed up enough with lack of concern for their plight, that some would reject the status quo and seek to overturn the system through less than non-violent means.

Your callous and callow plot to ransom or destroy that poor fellow is abhorrent to anyone that holds freedom, liberty and equality in his or her heart. But what can you expect from a bunch of Limey bastards that still have a stick up their asses about losing an empire. You've run out of regular size people to push around so you're going after these loveable people whose only crime is being born short. I have no doubt that even if someone pays your despicable ransom you'll go ahead and execute the poor chap. And just because you claim you'll donate the proceeds to amnesty international don't think that will wash the resin from your hands.

Your vicious attack on all gnomekind, with plans to require an identifiable uniform and surveillance of all gnome congregations smacks of the worst kind of nazi fascism. Just to be clear, the GLF will not deal with the terrorist regime of Chairman Tenji. If we pay one ransom it will only encourage more gnomenappings. Rather we're taking our concerns to the UN Security Council. John Bolton is going to plead our case and browbeat all the rest of the pussies in the UN to signing. Then Cheney or Bush and Rummy will go ahead with the invasion of your pissant island without UN backing. It's not like that would be anything new. And Tony Blair will be in on it from the beginning too.'

Long live the gnomes!

'We note the communication from sprkythdvl of the Gnome Liberation Front (GLF).
It is the defining feature of western democracy that we embrace alternate views on all subjects, cherish the right to freedom of speech and nurture cultural diversity. However, in this case, the correspondent is clearly barking mad, as would anyone else be if they took a blind bit of notice of what this subversive, fifth columnist trouble making bastard is saying.

To draw a parallel between our wholly legitimate campaign to repatriate gnomes and the policies espoused by an Austrian painter seventy years ago is to see the analogy but signally miss the irony. Our office bookmaker is giving short odds on the correspondent being Canadian.

Tony Blair is a spent force in British politics; Chairman Tenji took the role of Prime Minister some weeks ago following a surprise last minute burst of irony amongst the electorate. It is unlikely, therefore, that there will be any British support for the UN resolution proposed by the GLF. Indeed, as a permanent member of the Security Council we will be blocking all such moves. Furthermore, the US would not have the balls to launch an attack against a real army, especially without Britain to bail them out of trouble and show them which way up to hold the maps.

Of more concern is the Gnome Liberation Movement itself, who seem to have international backers—possibly in the Michigan area—and do not seem unwilling to use their ill-gotten gnome-dollars to pay for the liberation of the hostage.

Naturally, as a responsible government, we cannot endorse any particular bidding faction but if we were allowed to, it would be 'gnomesis' who would enjoy our support. His level headed, even-handed views on the gnome question put the partisan, self styled pro-gnomists to shame.'

How Tenji
Chairman, National Satirist Party of Engand

The only response to this astonishing exchange from the mysterious gnome-hating 'gnomesis' has been a terse email sent to GnomeWATCH news a few hours ago:
'We'll see who's got the bottle and who's a limp-wristed girl's blouse when the little bastard comes under the hammer on Wednesday. And believe me, he will be under the hammer; my hammer!'

It remains to be seen who will win this gripping contest, but there can be little doubt that unless the gnomish ringleader is recaptured soon, the only thing going under the hammer will be the contestants. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH News at the eBay Gnome auction.


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Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 / 070406
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition


Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00

The self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' - the Gnomish Ringleader

The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
GnomeWATCH Media Packs

Throughout the auction we made Media Packs available to the Press onBuy the Press Pack on eBay — containing high resolution versions of the images we created specially for GnomeWATCH. Most were 1200 x 1600 pixies — sorry, pixels in size. So if you fancy a permanent memento of the event in glorious colour without a copyright watermark—make us an offer and we may be persuaded to mail you a high quality colour print (or prints, if you're feeling really flush). Hit the button to contact us:

Gnomemail us
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
Gnomewatch 2006 Suporters
The following websites supported Utterpants GnomeWATCH 2006:
Utterpants Gnomewatch 2006