Ripping Yarns
Wrapping presents with a CatWrapping presents with a Cat

By our reporter who knows when she's beaten, Denim Sue

Our definitive step-by-step guide to one of the more demanding tasks faced by cat lovers the world over

1 Clear a large space on a table or worktop for wrapping your present.

2 Go to cupboard and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3 Open door and remove cat from cupboard.

4 Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5 Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6 Go to drawer, and collect sellotape, ribbon, scissors, labels, etc..

7 Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be performed in a logical manner.

8 Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and place string on table.

9 Remove boxed present from paper bag.

10 Remove cat from paper bag.

11 Open box to check present is in it, remove cat from box, replace present in box.

12 Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13 Try and smooth out paper, discover cat is underneath and remove cat.

14 Cut paper to size, keeping the cutting line as straight as possible.

15 Discard first sheet of paper due to cat chasing scissors and tearing paper.

16 Cut second sheet of paper to size and restrain cat by putting it in bag present came in.

17 Place present on paper.

18 Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Discover cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19 Place heavy object on paper to hold in place while tearing sellotape to length.

20 Spend fifteen minutes carefully trying to remove sellotape from cat.

21 Seal paper with sellotape, making corners as neat as possible.

22 Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23 Try to wrap present and tie ribbon in a pretty bow.

24 Re-tie ribbon and remove paper, which is now ripped due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25 Repeat steps 13 - 20 until you are down to your last sheet of paper.

26 Decide to skip steps 13 - 17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

27 Put present in box, and secure with string.

28 Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29 Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for bathroom.

30 Once inside bathroom, lock door and start to lay out paper and materials.

31 Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and re-lock.

32 Repeat previous step as often as is necessary until you can clearly hear cat on other side of locked door.

33 Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult if you have a small bathroom, but do your best).

34 Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Then remember you haven't got any because cat helped wrap present last year as well.

35 Return to bathroom, lock door, sit on lavatory and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36 Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sellotape. Attach pretty ribbon and decorate with additional bows to hide worst areas.

37 Label present. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on completing a difficult job.

38 Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make stiff drink and feed cat.

39 Spend twenty minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40 Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41 Have several more stiff drinks. Then pick up present and stagger back to shop and get nice assistant to gift-wrap present for you.

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© 2004
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From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about Wrapping presents with a Cat, Performance Art and the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, Funny Stories contains some of the very best writing Utterpants has to offer.

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