Masturbation Masturbation
The perils of self abuse or female masturbationHow to detect Self Abuse

Or the perils of Female Masturbation: a Victorian perspective revisited

By our resident historian,
Mercedes Dannenberg
Mercy Dannenberg unearths a fascinating 19th Century treatise on the evils of self-abuse

Following the death of a close relative earlier this year, I came into the possession of the personal effects of my illustrious great-grandmother, Dr Clarissa McTaggart, who was a Consultant Gynaecologist at St Thomas' Hospital, in London, until her retirement in 1908, and a leading writer on female sexuality. Among the papers that I inherited, I found several unpublished monographs on such diverse topics as 'The Sexual Life of the Phocidae', 'The phenomena of premature ejaculation as a collorary of Corporal punishment in British Public Schools', and, rather surprisingly, 'The use of Fish oils as an aphrodisiac'.

In the hope that my great grandmother's remarkable work on behalf of women's health may afford some instruction, enlightenment, and possibly amusement, to those of our readers who are interested in the proper upbringing of their female offspring, I have taken the liberty of publishing one of Dr McTaggart's shorter monographs on a subject which is surely dear to every woman's heart: self abuse or female masturbation.

Dr Clarissa McTaggart (1842-1940)I need hardly add that this is not a subject fit for the ears of those of a delicate or nervous disposition, and must warn my readers that my great-grandmother does not mince her words in her scathing condemnation of a practise which has now become so endemic amongst young girls, that my own daughter has written a shameless guide to it! I shudder to think what Clarissa would have made of today's teenage girls, some as young as thirteen, who shamlessly admit to using electric toothbrushes to indulge in a practise which, to her, was the vilest of sins. Given the wide range of symptoms which Dr McTaggart presents to us as evidence of self abuse, and the precision of her pithy observations, I think it is safe to conclude that, notwithstanding their protestations of innocence, the majority of today's young girls are 'playing with themselves' rather more often than their parents may suspect!

Interestingly, recent medical evidence seems to support many of Dr McTaggart's observations that masturbation may not be as good for us as we have been led to believe. Make no mistake, once you have read Dr McTaggart's list of symptoms you may never again regard lank, greasy hair, zits, a shambling gait, lower back pain, tiredness and irritability in quite the same light!

In preparing this monograph for publication I have omitted my great grandmother's appendix in which she recommends a number of Victorian devices designed to inhibit self abuse in young girls. The most popular of these was apparently known as 'Onan's girdle', and consisted of cushion covered with Japanese silk, into the centre of which a small mesh grating was fixed to shield Victorian anti-self abuse apparatusthe genitals from manipulation, whilst still allowing the normal bodily functions to be exercised. Needless to add, this apparatus was, as one might expect, secured by a stout brass padlock! What I found surprising was a hand-written note in the margin of the monograph, apparently written by one Dr J O Pullen of Edinburgh which read:
"In Edinburgh, self abuse has now become so common a practice among young girls and their mothers, who operate not only digitally but with vegetables, that the Prefect has been compelled to issue a stern warning to costermongers not to sell vegetables to unaccompanied ladies or their maids."
No doubt this is where Ms Givings got the idea for her story on 'Stores to ban big vegetables' from. Truth really is stranger than fiction!

It is my sincere hope that this frank and thought-provoking monograph may lead us to question our present attitudes toward this fashionable pastime and ask the important question: 'is masturbation really good for girls?' I leave you to draw your own conclusions!

click to read this shocking monograph on the evils of self abuse!

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!

If you enjoyed this story you may enjoy The Slingshot - the Great British Magazine for Young Chaps
The Slingshot is indispensible reading for discerning Ladies and Gentlemen of Quality and Taste. Warning: our American readers may require the services of a translator!
Read more Funny stories
What's this section all about then?

Funny Stories is packed full of some of the most original and hilarious short stories you'll find anywhere on the internet.

From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about Wrapping presents with a Cat, Performance Art and the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, Funny Stories contains some of the very best writing Utterpants has to offer.

With such a wide range of outstanding material, it is almost impossible to single out anything that, er—stands out, but our adult version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as Jennifer Gardner's many stories, are all firm favourites with our readers.

Can there be a funnier title than If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out? We don't think so, nor have we read a better satire on the differences between men and women than The Penis Paragraphs - jointly written by Don Pitts and Jennifer Gardner.

You'll find all these stories and more listed in the section contents page (newest first).

Finally, we'd also draw your attention to the ads below which link to other stories on the site as well as other websites that we think you will enjoy visiting.

Get Firefox and rediscover the Web
The Evils of Coffee
The Case of the Bashful Balrog