When the dwarves came home at nightfall, they found Snow White lying on the floor. She was really, really, dead this time, as Ross and Robert soon discovered when they attempted to have oral sex with her. They lifted her up and turned her over repeatedly to see if they could find anything poisonous, undressed her, combed her hair, looked again, administered oral sex (again) and thoroughly probed every orifice. Well, Ralph and Ross thoroughly probed her orifices while the other dwarves cracked one off the wrist for old times sake. Then they gave her a shower, rubbed her all over with her favourite massage oil, poured melted chocolate between her thighs and took it in turns to lick it off (slowly), but nothing did any good, even her rabbit failed to rouse her. In fact, the dwarves swore blind the forlorn, little, pink love bunny shed tears for it's mistress. Well, it might have been battery acid leaking out, but I prefer to think it was crying, don't you? Anyway, Snow White was quite dead, and dead she remained. The dwarves laid her on a bier, and all seven sat down beside it and wept into their beards for three whole days. Well, Rick and Dick wept while Ralph argued about the pros and cons of necrophilia with the other four dwarves.

"It's not fair," sobbed Ralph bitterly. "The hottest crumpet in the land falls into our laps like a ripe cherry and the dozy cow goes and let's some evil tart murder her before we've even had a chance to shag her properly."
"I did," said Dick
"And me," chimed in Rick, "Twice."
"And me," added Ross.
"You jammy sods!" shouted Dick "You never let on."
"Why should we?" asked Rick. "She told us not to."
"Me too," added Robert and Roger simultaneously. "She said you'd only get jealous."
"Jealous?" interjected Ross, "When I've been shagging her senseless since the day after she got here?"

"I shagged her the first day," said Rodney smugly. "After all, it was my bed she chose to kip in."
"You bastards!" shouted Ralph. "Why am I the only one she hasn't shagged?"
"We told her you were gay," said the other six dwarves.
"Well I'm bloody well going to shag her now!" said Ralph, "You just watch me."
And with that, he dropped his pants, whipped out his fun-sized todger and flung himself on top of Snow White. Such was his enthusiasm (or frustration) that he was well on the way to committing an act which would ensure he would never work for the BBC again, before the other dwarves dragged him off and cuffed him soundly about the head.

"Look, you can't shag her. She's dead," said Dick. "Only perverts and George Bush shag dead people."
"George Bush?" chorused the other six dwarves.
"Well, when I say dead, I meant they mostly wind up dead after he's shagged them."
"What about his wife?" asked Rodney. "She's not dead."
"She might as well be for all the life between her legs," said Dick.
"Well, she doesn't look dead to me," said Ralph, wiping away a tear.
"Laura Bush?" chorused the other six dwarves.
"No, you idiot, Snow White!" said Ralph. "Even if she is dead I don't think she'd mind if I gave her a quickie for old times sake. I promise to be gentle."
"Well, if you're going to shag her, so am I!" ejaculated Ross, and suiting his actions to his words, parted Snow White's long legs and mounted her before anyone could stop him.
"Ralph's right," said Rick and Roger, leaning over Snow White's lovely breasts and pushing Ross unceremoniously aside.
"Not you two as well!" said Dick. "Look! We are NOT shagging her and that's that! OK, maybe a little light petting or possibly a kiss or two, but absolutely NO shagging! Got it?"

"No, you idiot," said Rick, "We meant we can't bury her looking like that. Look at her lovely tits and rosy lips. It'd be a crime to dump her beautiful body into the cold, black earth."
"It'd be a worse crime to shag it," said Ross.
"I don't think we've clearly established that necrophilia IS a crime," said Ralph.
"Yes it is," said Rodney. "Blindgit Plonker made it one under section 70 of the new Sexual Offences Act of 2004. Before that, dead bodies were fair game."
"Bugger it.." muttered Ralph.
"No, that's OK. Sodomy was repealed as a criminal offence in 2003. There is a loophole in the necrophilia clause though..."
"Is there?" chorused the other dwarves hopefully, except Dick, who scowled in disapproval.
"Yup," said Rodney. "So long as you don't penetrate the corpse you're in the clear."
"So...a BJ would be OK then?" asked Ross and Roger eagerly.
"Or cunnilingus?" asked Ralph tentatively.
"Nope, that's penetration," said Rodney.
"What if—um—you just ran your tongue very lightly over—"
"—Look! Can we just drop it!" shouted Dick. "We are NOT shagging her and that's that!
"How come you know so much about sexual offences anyway, Rodney?" asked Rick.
"Um...er...there was this bloke who I met in a toilet once who—"
"—Look! I shan't tell you lot again!" bellowed Dick.

Eventually they agreed and had a coffin made out of glass, so that Snow White could be seen from all sides, and they put her into it and laid her precious rabbit between her silken thighs, and wrote her name in golden letters on the coffin, adding that she was a 'B-list' celebrity's daughter, whose mother had once had a walk on part in EastEnders. Then they put the coffin on a hilltop and one of them always stayed there to guard it. Well, I think we can guess what he did while he was guarding it, but as there's been quite enough of that already, we'll pass over the details in silence. And all the animals came and wept for Snow White, especially the rabbits, who seemed to be inexplicably attracted to the spot. Snow White lay in her coffin for seven, long years. Much to Roger's surprise and Ralph's relief, she didn't rot, but continued to look as if she were asleep and remained as stunningly beautiful as ever; her skin as white as snow, her lips as red as blood, and her lustrous, shining hair, as black as ebony. Gosh, this stuff gets to you doesn't it? Anyone got a hanky?

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