Amusing Aliens

Alien Abduction: the sextastic truth Alien Abduction: the sextastic truth

Utterpants strips away the polyvinyl panties from the phenomenon of Alien Abduction to reveal a knicker-loosening conspiracy of cosmic proportions

By our coquette among the stars,
Lola Chevrolét

I recently learned that sixty million Americans claim to have been abducted by aliens. Given that the same number also think the sun orbits the earth, I was inclined to dismiss their claims, particularly when I discovered that eighty percent of abductees are human females. As a former lap dancing instructor who has spent many years in the bistros and gentlemen's clubs of Paris, I am highly sceptical of anyone who claims to have been 'probed' in the most intimate of places while they were sound asleep, particularly when the only proofs of their abduction are a pair of soiled knickers and a splitting headache. After all, Peter Stringfondler has been slipping Rohypnol into the Bacardi Breezers of his female guests since the early seventies and shows no signs of letting up at the ripe old age of 66. On the other hand, ageing lotharios with a yen for rumpy pumpy with somnolent slappers don't usually leave bits of metal tubing in their victim's lady parts. Nor do they abandon them in the middle of a field at two in the morning without their underwear. Well, Peter Stringfondler might, but even he would have the decency to leave the girl the cab fare home. Finally, I was reluctantly compelled to concede that sixty million Americans couldn't be wrong.

What puzzled me was why there were so few reports of males being abducted. Surely, any species wishing to understand the physiology of another would experiment on both sexes. No, it is invariably women who are abducted in the dead of night. Moreover, the aliens who kidnap them are always small with peculiarly oviform heads, large, lecherous black eyes and an insatiable sexual appetite. Nor do their methods ever vary. The aliens blind their sleeping victims with a bright light and whisk them off to their spacecraft. There the poor women are stripped, tied to table and subjected to an invasive examination that culminates in the insertion of a wide variety of probes into their reproductive organs.

Some readers might object that gynaecologists do much the same. But no gynaecologist sodomizes his patients with a large Hoover whilst simultaneously having oral and vaginal sex with them. Well, mine doesn't. Whether the abductees swoon away in shock or expire in a paroxysm of sexual excitement is a moot point. Judging by the photographs we were sent anonymously by an American abductee that grace this article, I strongly suspect some victims revel in these abuses. They are probably the same women who claim to have been 'probed' by mechanical drones. Personally, I'm doubtful if having one's pussy milked to the point of exhaustion by an insatiable robot is preferable to being sodomized by aliens armed with outsize vacuum cleaners who are unable to tell the front door from the back. Few of my clients ever could.

But what is the aliens' purpose? This is the question that has baffled the minds of our greatest scientists—not to mention 20 million adolescent boys, who would sell their own sisters for five minutes in an alien spaceship with just one unconscious abductee. My researches had narrowed down the possibilities to three likely motives: breeding a new race of human slaves to pave the way for an alien invasion; a desire for exotic pets, or a desperate attempt to preserve a few, choice specimens of a doomed species. I quickly dismissed the first possibility as being completely unnecessary to a race whose technological superiority could wipe out humanity in the twinkling of an eye. Reasoning that even aliens would be unlikely to cultivate a species as pets in whom obedience, loyalty and docility were conspicuously absent, I was forced to conclude that the aliens were engaged in some sort of conservation exercise.

Terrified woman abused by aliensWhen I put my conclusions to Hortense Dubois, the French lady for whom I had formerly worked she laughed.
"You're such a fille innocente, Lola!" she chided me fondly. "Why do you trouble your pretty head with these conundrums? It is clear that these aliens are—'ow do you say? Touristes d'amour."
"Sex tourists!" I exclaimed in astonishment.
"Oui naturellement," she continued. "Why else would they use these probes and devices unless they were making some kind of alien porno?"
I confess her argument was persuasive. I lit up a Gauloises as I considered the implications of her remarkable deduction.
"So these women—these abductees—are starring in an entertainment which is being broadcast throughout the galaxy for the benefit of who knows how many alien voyeurs?"
Hortense clapped her hands. "Exactement!" she exclaimed triumphantly.
"But that does not explain why some of these women claim to have been impregnated by the aliens," I objected.
"Oh, Ma Petite," she replied, "vous êtes un tel simpleton! Don't you watch porno? 'aven't you noticed 'ow much prettier the girls are now than they used to be? And 'ow they all have such parfait , hairless pussies? The aliens are only doing what any good businessman would do; improving the product."
"Are you not afraid of being abducted yourself?" I asked.
Hortense laughed uproariously. "I'm counting on it, Mon chéri. They say some of these aliens 'ave two willies!"

The more I pondered on her words the more sense they made. There is a certain poetic justice in a species which has made a religion out of sexual gratification providing the means to gratify the sexual appetites of an alien race. For the first time I profoundly thanked the Creator for having given me an unusually hairy body. With any luck the aliens would mistake me for a man harbouring a particularly dangerous animal between my thighs and leave me alone.

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Story © 2006 Lola Chevrolét. Picture and construction © 2006 / 200406
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