'Bubba' from Alabama, USA asks: My best friend Skeeter, has just had a sex change operation and now his/her new name is Mary Sue. Now I just want to know for the boys at the pool hall — not for me mind you. But if Skeeter/Mary Sue were to give me a blow job, would that make me Gay?

Dear Bubba from Bama, If Mary Sue blows you or any of the boys at the pool hall, you are not gay. (Unless, of course, she's fingering you in the ass while she's sucking you off, which makes you gayer than Richard Simmons at a Cats performance.) You might want to inquire about your best friend's sexual preferences. Just because he's now a she, doesn't mean she digs dudes. Your best friend may now be a bonafide carpet muncher. A subtle way of checking is to see how she reacts around thick shafted pool cues. If her stroke is long and smooth, then many fun filled nights at the pool hall await you. If she feels a level of discomfort around the sticks and balls, maybe you can talk her into seducing the waitress so you and the boys can watch. Do let us know how you get on.

'Babycakes' from Kentucky, USA asks: Is it possible to get your virginity back? Is there any medicine available that will help my thingy to regrow over my pussy?

I'm Sorry, Ms Spears — er, I mean, 'Babycakes', virginity is like a Presidential election; once you've lost it, you're well and truly screwed. Medicine cannot 'regrow' your hymen. But a woman of your resourcefulness should be able to find a surgeon willing to create a 'flap' of skin that will fool most Americans. This usually costs at least $5,000. Small change to a woman of your earning potential.

'Tamara' from Nottingham, UK, asks: I am a happily married 32-year-old woman and have regular and varied sex with my husband several times a day. However, I love masturbating to porn I download from the net when my husband is at work. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a quickie in the shower, but sometimes I spend three or four hours a day pleasuring myself to mind-shattering orgasms that leave me so drained I can't face the thought of housework or getting the kid's tea. But I just can’t stop myself. Last week I took my rabbit shopping with me and masturbated in the Baby Changing room! I'm terrified someone will see me and feel so guilty doing this while my husband is at work. Am I sick?

No, but I am — you greedy, bloody cow! We should all wish we had your problem! The only practical advice I can give you is to take a part time job in the sex industry as soon as possible. Not only will this bring in extra money and stop you wanking off quite so much, but also assuage your guilty conscience as you will be performing a valuable public service. Who knows, you may even meet your husband on the job! But while you're getting your love tunnel pounded by well-hung, hunky studs do spare a thought for those of us who are slaving over a hot computer rather than toying with ourselves all bloody day!

'Cali' from San Francisco, USA, asks: I am a fifteen year girl and wondered if you cud get pregnant if your boyfriend had cum on his fingers and then he fingered you like 20 mins later? even if his fingers were dry? Like, what are the chances that you cud be pregnant?"

Well, I couldn't, Cali, because I'm a bit more familiar with my love tunnel than you appear to be! You are a very silly little girl who should spend more time outdoors and less time playing with yourself in your bedroom. I recommend taking up an educational hobby like Fishing. Once you start fishing you will learn that sperm, like fish, swim in an aquatic environment and expire (painfully) when deprived of it. There is about as much chance of you getting pregnant from 'dry cum' as there is of President George Bush completing a grammatically correct sentence.

'Mike' from Romford, UK asks: I went with a couple of prostitutes in Amsterdam last month and since then have had shooting pains in my penis and crushing pains in my testicles. I am convinced I have contracted something as the pains are very bad but when I went to my genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic all the tests for STD's were negative. I've been back loads of times but each test shows up negative. I really am in terrible pain but even my wife says I'm a hypochondriac. Please help me!

If you had done your homework properly, you'd know that the 'ladies of the night' in Amsterdam are extremely fastidious 'down there', and always use rubbers. As 'Shooting pains in the penis' and 'crushing pains in the testicles' aren't associated with any known sexually transmitted disease, the inescapable conclusion is that your missus has found about your little excursion and is getting her own back for your infidelity! In short, the cunning minx is beating the crap out of your balls and rubbing pepper into your naughty knob while you're asleep. The only solution is to confess your sins and hope she'll forgive you — or at least stop torturing you long enough for your manhood to recover.

'Ashleigh' from Indiana, USA asks: If a guy masturbates in a public restroom and cums on the seat and wipes away the cum with toilet tissue and then touches the toilet tissue roll with his dry hands, can a female become pregnant from using that toilet tissue roll? How about if the guy's hands are, like a little sticky when he touches the toilet tissue roll?

You're not related to 'Cali' from San Francisco, are you? What sort of a moron uses wet toilet paper to wipe their pussy? You are either incredibly dirty or incredibly stupid, or both. I'll try to make this really simple for you, Ashleigh. Sperm are itty bitty, cute little fishies that swim about in semen — 'cum' to idiots like you. Like little fishies, sperm cannot swim on dry land or through panties, skirts, bras, up walls, across playgrounds or pass through toilet paper, no matter how bloody 'sticky' it is.

'Kimmy' from Michigan, USA asks: How long can cum live on the street? if a girl accidentally stepped on some cum some guy had left on the sidewalk with her shoes, and later accidentally touched the bottom of her shoes with her finger, and then fingered her pussy, could she get pregnant?

Not another bloody angst-ridden American teenie! Don' they have sex-education classes in Michigan, Kimmy? I read somewhere recently that three million Americans believe they have been abducted by little green men. I would say fifty million Americans have been abducted by sheer stupidity and you are one of them! Why do you persist in believing that sperm have the ability to pass through more obstacles than a rocket-propelled grenade? Look, moron, 500,000 human sperms would fit on the sharp end of your Bobby pin and more than 100 million of the wriggling little rascals die every time another wanker splatters your pretty face with his cum. For one to find its way from the sidewalk onto your shoes and into your uterus, and then impale itself on an egg in your 'tubes', would be akin to a dead fish swimming to Uranus and breeding a race of intelligent teenagers. You're not from Uranus, are you, Kimmy?