'Irma' from Desoto, in the USA asks:
Hi, I'm hoping you can recommend something for me. Ever since I gave birth to my second baby five months ago, I have an odour problem. I've tried almost everything but it won't go away. It's gotten so bad even my boss at work has mentioned it and I really don't know what to do about it. It's making me feel very depressed and someties angry; what should I do? Please help me.

I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you 'Irma'. You have clearly been sleeping in plastic undies and got yourself impregnated by an alien. The 'odour' your colleagues find so offensive is due to the fact the your human baby's alien sibling is still stuck up your love tunnel. This is not uncommon among reckless young American women who fail to take proper precautions against alien abduction. The only solution is to get a friend to suck the offensive little sucker out of you. As this is not a pleasant task I suggest you pick someone who smells even worse than you do and pay them a lot of money.

Lynn' from Merseyside in the UK, asks: My partner is twelve years younger than I am. I have the higher libido. Yet when I work nights my partner visits porn sites and masturbates. He will not admit to this. I am not against porn. I like it. But I think it should be shared in a relationship. The problem is that he lies about it and won't share his porn with me. It gives me a complex about my age (40) because he likes to watch teenage girls. When I find out he is lying I give him a hard time. Is this wrong of me. Please help me as I'm at my wits end.

It sounds to me as if you're not giving him a hard enough time, Lynn. If he has the energy to masturbate to porn, his odious tool is clearly not getting enough exercise. Have you tried sucking up to him more often? If that fails, treat him to 'Lucy Lastyk's Vibrating Arse and Pussy.' Once he is well stuck into Lucy's firm, but supple posterior, a sound thrashing with a birch paddle should re-kindle his interest in you. If my advice seems a little harsh, it’s only because I’m jealous that a dried up old bag like you is bedding a bucking young stud of 28.

'Tara' from Manchester, in the UK, asks: Hi im 20 years old and i find that my vagina is too hairy. The hair stretches right from the front of my pussy all the way past the anal area, and is thick and black. i have tried shaving and immac but it burns and is painful when the hair grows back again. i want to try professional waxing as im scared to do it myself, would i be the laughing stock of the beauticians? Are all women this hairy? Please help me.

You're sitting on a gold mine, Tara! If you’re really as hairy as you say you are, your luxuriant bush could guarantee you an income of several thousand pounds a year if you auctioned it off on ebay every few months. If you’re concerned that a beautician might snigger over removing so hirsute an heirloom, choose a very short-sighted one and make sure you hide her contacts.

'Lisa' from Burnley, in the UK, asks: My boyfriend just turned on me for nothing, saying he doesn't fancy me anymore. I’m absolutely heartbroken. What should I do?

Forget about the wanker. He's probably as Gay as a Boat. Treat yourself to a deluxe, six-speed Rabbit and you'll have forgotten about him in a week. If that fails let him wear your soiled panties. That works for most blokes.

'Jenice' from Glasgow, in the UK, asks: My husband has a really small penis which i call my tiny winkie. At its best it measures four inches and I have no children and have been told I'm really tight. I can tell you tiny winkies out there that you'd better be good with your tongue cos wee ones are useless to a girl. Seven inches is what we need. Why is it that guys with tiny winkies get off being humiliated? My man likes me to verbally abuse him while he wanks off in front me. I get mine elsewhere. Should I feel guilty?

If us girls felt guilty every time we abused a bloke we'd all be on anti-depressants. Men were born to be humiliated, Jenice. My advice is to find a really fit young stud with nine inches of man meat and let him pound your pussy into insensibility while you both laugh your heads off at your husband's pathetic attempts to insert his tiny todger into a vacuum pump.

'Richard' from Edinburgh, Scotland, asks: I like to wear my girlfriend's knickers and bra and dress up in her clothes at weekends and she's always said she's OK with it. But last week we were a this party and we fell out . I said I was going home early and she said she'd be home two hours later. So when I got in I slipped into her sexiest clothes, put my headphones on and played loud music while dancing in front of a mirror and wanking off into her panties. Then my girl friend came home early with six girls and three guys and told them to go in to the living room while she went upstairs for a pee. I didn't see them behind me coz the music was so loud and it was ten minutes before my girlfriend tapped me on my shoulder and asked me what the fuck I was doing. Now she claims she never knew I was a pervert and has told all my friends. The whole city knows the story and I can't walk down the street for people laughing at me. Please help me cos I cant handle it anymore.

Your girlfriend isn't called 'Lisa' is she, Richard? Wanking off into your girlfriend’s panties is something we’ve all done at one time or another. I know I have. If the laughing continues, I suggest you tell everyone that the reason you did it was because your girlfriend was such a lousy lay her panties were more responsive than her pussy.

'Paul' from Birmingham, in the UK, asks: I am a 16 year old male who recently met this girl. I have never been in a sexual relationship before and am scared that I wont give her enough pleasure. How can i make sure she enjoys it? Please help.

Your problem is not an uncommon one among young boys addicted to wanking over porn, so I'm going to go into a bit more depth than usual.
Real girls love to kiss, Paul. That doesn't mean jamming your tongue down her throat far enough to induce vomiting, but a gentle caress with your lips and tongue that make her want to crawl into your mouth and fall asleep.

Then you can move onto her boobies. Don't suck on her nipples like you never stopped breastfeeding or she'll scream so loud she'll wake your Mum and Dad up. Just lightly circle her nipples with your mouth and tongue. If she’s anything like me (you should be so lucky!), this will make her wetter than a wet weekend in Widnes, which you can test by sliding a finger gently between her legs.

Then slip your little noodle (well wrapped in a rubber, of course) into her love tunnel. Try to maintain a constant rhythm that mimics a song by her favorite boy band. Increase the tempo when she responds and be sure to make use of your idle hands.

If you come first — who am I kidding? When you cum first, be patient and wait until she fakes her orgasm. Thoroughly exhausted by your exertions you can then relax and light up a fag. But your job is not over, young Paul. In order to fully pleasure a woman, you must give her access to the PIN number of your bank account, your credit card numbers and buy her expensive jewellery and slap up meals at every opportunity. Do let us know how you get on.