The news was greeted with huge sighs of relief by arms manufacturers across America still reeling from the shock of discovering that Iran was planning to develop what the President has denounced as 'a nuclur culpability of terrifying proportionaries.' The residents of Mashhad—Iran's second largest city, were less delighted when they awoke early this morning to the sound of US warplanes strafing the 9th Century tomb of Imam Reza—the country's holiest shrine.
One shocked resident, who took time out from pulling the corpse of his heavily pregnant wife from the rubble of his home to talk exclusively to Utterpants, was surprisingly sanguine about the attacks.

"It is the will of Bush," he sighed philosophically as another missile demolished the local hospital, sparing the overworked surgeons the thankless task of saving the lives of a few thousand babies who would almost certainly have died horribly painful deaths once the President's economic sanctions had begun to bite. "The shrine was a hopelessly outdated reminder of our backward and repressive culture," he continued mournfully. Now at least we can look forward to a clapboard Baptist chapel, or even a marble Mormon Tabernacle!"

His attitude was echoed in Tehran, where we found one jubilant Mullah exhorting the people to 'embrace the Infidel Overlord of the Earth' — or possibly bend over backwards and let him park the Presidential pork between their cheeks.

White House observers who had the temerity to suggest that a couple of ex-Russian warheads and two dozen canisters of depleted uranium (left over from the US invasion of Iraq), were hardly grounds for launching air strikes against a sovereign nation that posed no threat to the United States were roundly condemned by George Bush.
"Anyone who questions my initiatories is a terroristical synthesiser headed for a one-way, fast-track passport to Guantanamo Bay," he told a hurriedly convened press conference in Washington this afternoon. When one unpatriotic journalist questioned why the world's greatest superpower needed 2,000 nuclear bombs to defend itself against an impoverished backwater that barely had enough firepower to take out the front of McDonald's in Tehran, Mr Bush replied: "I am determined to persecute the war on terror with every weapon at our dispersal. If necessitory I will personally nuke every Godless, idol-worshipping sonofabitch who refuses to kiss my omnipotent ass and that goes for those Islamaist insurgentories in Iran too. Do not misunderestimate me," he added with a portentous elevation of his right eyebrow, "If Iran does not embellish it's weapons programme we're gonna launch pre-emp...preempt...pretty damn big air strikes against it without warning!"

At this point a journalist raised his hand timidly from the back row. "Mr President..." he began hesitantly, "Are you telling us that you have not authorised air strikes against Iran?"
"Hell, no!" replied the leader of the Free World, striking the air with his fist. "Who in tarnation says I have?"
"Al Jizz," piped up a voice. "They've reported air strikes against Iran."
"Yeah?" said Bush, punching the air with his fist again. "Like these?"
"I guess..." laughed the journalist.
Bush turned to an aide: "I thought we'd nuked those suckers?"
"Er...no Mr President," muttered the aide. "If you remember Prime Minister Blair advised against it on the grounds that it might affect your chances of re-election."
"Oh yeah..." murmured the President. "I guess there's nothing to stop us busting their ass now though?"

"What about the reports of explosions in Mashad and Tehran?" interrupted another journalist.
"Beats the crap outta me," said Mr Bush with a twisted smirk. "Maybe a couple of their oil wells blew up?"
"So there's no truth to these rumours then?" asked the first journalist.
"Not yet," said the President with a conspirational wink. "But ya'll might as well print them. It's gonna happen anyways, right Dick?"
Secretary of Defence, Dick 'dick' Cheney, slapped the President on the back and beamed at the audience. "Anything you want, George. Just say the word."
"Nuclur!" giggled Bush.
"That'll do nicely," said Cheney.

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© 2006 Robert Carey. Illustration & design © utterpants.co.uk / 260106