In a bizarre incident that left one elderly woman with a crushed tendon and two small children covered in chocolate mousse, forty-seven-year-old father of one, Arthur Pumpleweed, gate-crashed a teddy-bears' picnic in the unfortunately named Maidenhead, in Berkshire, today.

Mr Pumpleweed told the police officer who arrested him that he had been 'devastated' when his attractive twenty-two-year-old wife, Shelly left him last month, citing his failure to satisfy her sexually as grounds for the divorce. Detective constable Willey takes up the story:

"Mr Pumpleweed told me that when he heard his wife was getting married again he flipped and decided to take drastic action to win her back."
"How drastic?" we asked.
"He decided to parachute into his wife’s second marriage ceremony disguised as a penis."

We managed to catch the enterprising skydiver before he went to court and asked him what went wrong. He told us sheepishly: "It was an outdoor ceremony so I thought I'd sky-dive into it wearing a penis costume. I intended to land on the altar and shout ‘Is this big enough for you, Shell?’ Unfortunately, a freak gust of wind blew me off course, and I landed in the middle of a fucking teddy bear's picnic in Maidenhead."

"I told the children that it was a tall, pink teddy with a funny hat on," sighed Officer Willey, "but I don’t think they believed me".

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