Pictures published in the Daily Mirror this week allegedly showing an individual claiming to be the editor of the scurrilous British tabloid, Piers Morgan, have been proved to be fakes by officers from SOB - the UK's secret counter-intelligence organisation.

In an exclusive interview with Utterpants held in an undisclosed location in Central London, a spokestypeunperson for the highly secret, secret branch of MI6 gave the following statement:
"We have taken the unprecedented step of exposing the unscrupulous muckraker responsible for these sickening images in the interests of National security."
Colonel Black (not his real name) went on to reveal the shocking news that far from being the innocent newspaper editor he claims, Mr Piers Morgan is in fact the discredited media mogul Sir Robert Maxwell. Mr Maxwell, who became notorious during the 1980's for his sadistic abuse of printing industry workers who refused to accede to his sexual advances, was thought to have been killed in an unfortunate boating accident in November 1991 when his Mirror dinghy capsized off the Isle of Wight in a freak storm.

In return for an undisclosed number of share certificates in Halliburton Industries, Utterpants have been given exclusive access to secret documents that reveal Mr Maxwell faked his own death to avoid prosecution for treason and then adopted the persona of 'Piers Morgan' to continue his nefarious activities. Our source takes up the story:
"Bob Maxwell and Piers Morgan are one and the same bloke. It was Mossad that provided Maxwell with his new identity"
"Mossad?" we asked.
"The Israeli secret service," replied our source darkly.
"Morgan is a spy?" we asked.
"We call it a 'sleeper".
"You're telling us Piers Morgan is working for the Israelis?"
"Who do you think pays for his luxurious lifestyle? You don't get to enjoy private yachts, naturist holidays in Bognor Regis and wild coke parties on an editor's salary you know. Not to mention porking bevies of 13-year-old Ukrainian nymphettes."
"Didn't Bob Maxwell have a thing for boats and Eastern European girls?" we asked.
"Now you're getting the picture."

In a hastily convened news conference that never took place in the unnamed basement below an unidentified public house in Fleet Street, an anonymous man in a dark suit stunned the assembled journalists who did not attend this secret briefing when he revealed the shocking extent of Piers Morgans's treasonous conspiracy.
"That piece of shit has put the reputations of decent British journalists in danger and acted as a 'recruiting poster' for broken down old hacks," snapped the unofficial unperson. "Morgan spent a fortune on booze, bimbos and bailing out Arsenal. The more he lost, the more he tried to claw back by publishing fake news stories about celebrity bonking. When that backfired, he turned to his old mates in Mossad to help him out."

"But Piers Morgan looks thirty years younger than Robert Maxwell," we objected.
"Reconstructive surgery," retorted another man in a slightly lighter dark suit. "If the publicity seeking prat hadn't published those fake pictures of himself we'd never have twigged he was really Bob Maxwell."
"Fake pictures of himself?" we asked. "Surely you mean the faked pictures of our soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners of war?
"Oh — those pictures are probably genuine, but you don't expect us to make that public do you?"

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