Radio 2 presenter Ken Bruce had settled down to read a newspaper with a Cappuccino and cream slice at Snappy’s Cafe opposite Paddington station when 'an unaccountable swelling suddenly erupted in his nether regions'. The more he tried to suppress his mounting excitement; 'the worse it got.'

Speaking exclusively to Utterpants, a red-faced Bruce confided sheepishly: "I realised I couldn't breathe, and I started to get light-headed. My ears were ringing."
"What happened next?" we asked.
"I remember standing up and saying 'I need sex, somebody please help me!"

A shaken Mr. Bruce (57½), who presents a mid morning show on Radio 2, added, "a lot of the customers were elderly and unattractive and could not have helped me. The younger people just didn't know what to make of it. Then I spotted this really fit looking young girl in her late teens but she just looked at me like a startled rabbit; she didn't know what to do. I think she was a lesbian. She shot out of the café soon after my seizure started. Fortunately for me, a hooker from Holland was sitting at the next table and immediately grasped the severity of my problem."
"How do you mean exactly?"
"She unzipped me, and employing first-aid methods she had learned in Amsterdam, managed to clear the blockage before it resulted in an embolism."

"Embolism?" we repeated. "Are you seriously asking our readers to swallow this cock and bull story?"
"You don't imagine that I make a habit of getting my cock out in public and asking attractive young women to give me executive relief, do you?" retorted the Disk Jockey defensively.
"What other explanation is there?"
"Prostodickwitz' Chorea."
"Prostodickwitz' Chorea?" we repeated. "We thought that US Vice President Dick Cheney was the only sufferer?"
"He was — until it spread."
"Spread?"
"Yes, several British TV personalities have recently contracted it. I think I caught it from Jeremy Paxman."
"How is that possible?"
"We both use the same executive toilet at the BBC."

"Remarkable!" we replied. "So what exactly is Prostodickwitz' Chorea?"
"A serious medical condition which causes blood clots to form in the penile artery when the victim becomes aroused."
"How serious?" we asked.
"Very."
"How serious would that be exactly?"
"Unless a seizure is arrested by vigorous and timely genital massage the blood clot travels upwards to the heart and death follows within minutes."
"Astonishing!" we ejaculated. "So you owe your life to a hand jobbie from a complete stranger?"
"I am sure that had she not taken a firm grip of my problem, I would not be here to tell you my story.”

A waitress at the café later told us: “Mr. Bruce was grunting and spitting like a loony. The next thing I knew he appeared to have his hand up that slut's dress and nine inches of hugely empurpled man-meat broke free from his jeans. She was obviously doing everything she could to help the poor man."

In a desperate move to contact the angel of mercy who saved his life, Bruce has taken out a full-page advertisement in London’s Evening Standard, pleading for the public-spirited harlot to contact him. She left the café just after Bruce erupted with relief, failing to leave a contact address.

“If she has returned to Holland I will pay for her flight to the UK and all accommodation expenses. I just want to show the filthy slut — er, I mean, good samaritan, how much I care," a grateful Bruce told Utterpants.

Ken Bruce's colleagues have paid tribute to the anonymous hooker, describing her as 'a true heroine who was not afraid to get her hands dirty to help a chap out in a sticky situation.' In a television interview, BBC presenter Sarah Kennedy called for more hookers to be available throughout the capital and female fans of the hugely popular Disk Jockey have besieged his Bayswater flat in the hope of being able to lend a hand should he suffer another seizure.

Radio 2 bosses have given Bruce two weeks sick leave and offered him 'full and unconditional support.'

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Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 180904/ 080306